Dreams..

  She walked along the beach at sunset, just like she always did. There was something very peaceful about watching a sunset at the beach, while listening to the constant sounds of waves hitting the shore. She experienced so many myriad emotions through her, at this point. If she chose to close her eyes and give each emotion a colour , it would be like swirls of different colour mixing together, where you could not separate one from the other. Feeling of  loneliness and longing. Contentment, hope and joy all at the same time. To her, this was the most favored part of the day. When the sky seemed to reflect what was in her heart, like a painting by an artist. There is something about beaches in the evening that make you think of a couple walking hand in hand, into the sunset, their dark silhouettes against the orange background.

  She dint know why she came here every evening, in spite of her she busy schedule. She just felt the pull as if the waves were calling out to her, soothing her fears, calming her anxieties.There was nothing she lacked , she had a good job, she had sufficient money to get by, no responsibilities or debts. And best of all , she had her dreams.  Although they were tightly enclosed in a fist that she din't dare open. Perhaps, someday she would... Some dreams were practical just like her. Others deep inside , she guarded well , knowing they were beyond her reach. Even she was entitled to some silly dreams. If there was nothing to look forward to , there would no point in getting up from bed every morning. Her dreams were her own , something no one could take away from her. Some dreams were never meant to be shared, no one could criticize your dream or tell you it was a foolish one.
  One day, she would have a cute little house with a beach at the back , where she could come and gaze into the horizon, forget  everything and just revel in the moment, wishing she could paint well enough to capture all that beauty on canvas.She crouched by the sand and did what she always did , wrote her name and watched the waves take it. She would pretend water would take her name into the ocean. The seagulls flew above, with their cheerful sounds, which for some reason always made her smile.

   She turned back to see someone watching her. Their eyes locked. She felt something strange, like she knew him from somewhere. She never felt that instant tug before . She started to lift her hand to wave, but he just nodded and turned away. She came again the next evening, to the same place. After few mins, she spotted him. Their eyes met, he nodded and left. Third day, she was a little late. When she came to the beach, he was already there. She smiled, he smiled back at her, but did not make any move towards her. He turned his eyes back to the beach and walked away. A week passed in this way. She had been thinking about him the whole week, imaging in her head what she would say, how he would respond, what his voice would sound like. She wondered what he did , trying to guess a name that would suit him. Finally, she decided she had enough, waiting for him to make the first move. Today, she promised herself , she would find about him. If he din't make the first move, SHE WOULD.

 She dressed with care, a simple white sundress with yellow flowers, dainty yellow sandals, let her hair down. She ended up going to the beach earlier than usual in her excitement. This time her mind was not on the sunset, it was anything but calm. Her heart was beating in anticipation, her restless fingers kept playing with her keys. She was too busy looking at the path that led to the beach, she missed the sunset, dint notice the sky that had taken on a different hue. She could not hear the water over the noisy wind. After an hour of waiting, she  realised that he would not come today. She felt as if something crushed inside her. A fleeting twinge , when she realized this was another of her silly dream. To him she was probably just another girl on the beach. She should probably plead temporary insanity, but she felt something she never experienced before. Just then a seagull swooped down, making her smile, she walked towards her car with a heavy heart and slow steps. The beach would never be the same again. Maybe  it was just as well , she needed to get back to her "LIFE"  rather than dream about a stranger.
  Standing  afar in the shadows from the trees, hunched against the wind, was a lone silhouette watching her walk away.

CoNtRaDiCtIoNs..

Some people know what they were meant to do… Meant to be. I sometimes envied people who knew what they wanted, got it and were happy with it. Such people are lucky because they are aware of their capabilities and limitations and fixed a goal which is reachable. They don’t keep sky as their limit. At the same time I wonder if that’s a good thing… there is nothing to new experience. The change, the choice, the failure, all of which makes the ultimate find and success sweeter. No guts no glory! No adventure no fun!

People who knew what they wanted to study as opposed to people who had their feet in two boats, finally drown only to get picked up by the third. The surprise at survival, the curiosity of the new unknown, enjoying exploring the unseen.
People, who knew where they wanted to work, got a job in that firm. On the other side, landing up an unexpected job, you never even knew of in the first place , let alone dreamed of it. Learning the ropes of the place, experiencing it firsthand without prior knowledge and finding answers on your own. An experience which was good as it was bad.

People who are happy in the place they have always been in, unlike some who need to find the place which fits them, which makes them feel like home. Wandering gypsies, who keep moving in search of the place of their dream? With the hope that they will find it eventually till then making most of the journey ahead and make a home where the present resides.

People who always knew whom they will get married to, in contrast to someone who goes through the entire rigmarole of finding the right match though blind dates, set ups, arranged meetings, matrimony sites, always secretly dreaming about bumping into  that perfect someone.  Trying to imagine the kind of partner, asking every time they meet a new person if this is “THE ONE”?

People who always knew what they wanted rather than those who go through their whole lives in search of their calling, wondering if they will ever find it, but trying nevertheless.Learning different deeds, soaking up the knowledge from the ocean. Just in case one of these might lead to the answer.

I wonder which of these two are lucky? Someone who sees what he/she wants has always been there or someone who stumbles onto the truth when he/she is least expecting it!       

Which is better the unwavering certainty or the unexpected surprise?
Probably the grass is greener on the other side.
there maybe times when i wish i could know whats meant to be, but for now i am enjoying the search, the voyage of discovery. Over a decade back i would not have expected to be what i am now , where i am now. Neither can I predict over the next decade what changes await me, where my search would take me and where it would eventually end! 

A Thrilling Thirty!

That one thing that every woman is afraid of.... her 30th Birthday.. 
I never understood what the fuss was all about.. until i approached it... then i couldn't run away from it fast enough..
It reminds me of those episodes of FRIENDS where they reminisce about their 30th B'day. It becomes more like a day for mourning.. especially if you are single and  female.. i have seen people get this weird look in their eyes when i say 29 and single.. don't think i wanna know what it would be when i say 30.. ;) No matter what century you are in, you are  unfortunately never taken seriously until you are married.. It is like you haven't achieved anything until you are married. People have this misconception that your life is all fun and games just 'coz you aren't married!,
If they aren't shocked by my single status , they keep telling me how lucky i am to have the freedom to enjoy my "happening life" . Most forget that there are two sides to a coin.
Normally i would wait for my birthday, this started from childhood and continued well into adulthood. 
When you have no solution for a problem its best to ignore it. that's exactly what i decided to do this year.. Pretend the day dint exist , then i can be 29 for a little while longer.
I recently realised i could not see fine print 6 feet away.. I was speechless. I mean of course i fancied having a pair of glasses that made me look chic. but Now? No.. this wasn't a good time.. it wasn't how i imagined the beginning of the year to be like. So i refused to buy a pair of glasses before my birthday.
I am not very sure what i intended to prove with that.. but be as it may, eye test was postponed for after my birthday.. but hey wasn't i just gonna pretend the day dint exist? so now the dilemma would be when to get the test done! 
 Anyway, That was probably least of my problems at the moment.
SO.. what exactly was my problem again? OH Yeah! turning 30.. right!
i knew i would probably spend the day secretly regretting, shedding few tears for all the wasted years, opportunities lost, might as well get it over with.
It struck 12.. my mom, who has never waited up till now, actually bought me a pastry to cut. Now there was a surprise i hadn't anticipated! there goes my plans to sleep through it. But i was ecstatic! 
Morning begins with phone calls and sms which goes on for quite sometime. its fun to catch up with Friends. By noon i get another surprise delivery from my sis n bro in -law, a chocolate cake, bouquet of pink roses and a teddy.. turning 30 isn't so bad after all. 
Evening i had to visit the temples to offer my thanks and count all my blessings.
The day ended with a gift and dinner from mom and dad. By the time it was night i din't even realise how fast the day had passed, and how unexpectedly nice it was! I dint have time to mourn or feel sad. I was too busy enjoying the day to the fullest. In fact i dint feel 30 at all.. I still felt like i always do..  "ageless"
I guess its true when they say you are as young as you feel at heart, Age is nothing but mere numbers. It doesn't define what i am or who i am. It doesn't lessen all that i have achieved, or stop me from achieving all that i have to. I have Miles to go before i sleep... :)

I want to thank all those who made my day special by thinking of me..makes turning 30 just worth it.
That is one thing i would not exchange for all the riches in the world.. my family and friends.. Love you all.. 

Understanding Life as it is..

There are so many philosophies to life . I can probably fill a book with it.

But how much can we truly say anything for sure , where life is conserned? 

Life I believe is full of episodes expected and unexpected ones, an unpredictable story. It’s a book you are unwittingly hooked onto and cannot leave until you reach the end. Each page has its dialogues and sometimes its like one those badly written screenplays , where you don’t think anything has gone right. Although, theater is a better metaphor, where you can't undo and redo it.

With each chapter there are turn of events. Every character plays his or her role, short or long, in your story, but they have a whole book dedicated to themselves. Its like in chronicles of Narnia Aslan says “everyone has a story , of which none is your business.. you only know how much you need to know". Well , I digress. We were talking about life not C.W Lewis's work.

I wonder how everyone would describe their life in one word? What word would I use? I do not know . The only thing I can think of is - contradiction. When I have given up the hope.. I see a ray of light. Just when I am confident , I lose something I  am so close to achieving. Disappointments when expectations are high and happiness after you hit rock bottom.

I wonder how billionaires would say their life is, we seem to think they have everything just because they have money, but is money everything???

What would I do If I had immense wealth, no goals, just living life everyday, like one big party? How would it be, With  nothing to look forward to or achieve ? Would I live from one shopping to another? filling up my wardrobe with clothes I may never wear again! Paraphernalia’s I would never need?

Everyone runs around from one job to another seeking promotion thereby getting more respect and pay. Is it just the pay or the competition that keeps one going? Competition with oneself more than  the others. To excel in work and life, to outdo yourself every time.

Imagine an ideal world where everyone's destiny was similar , no poverty and no billionaires. same kind of clothes. You could all have one house, every house was of same kind, depending on the size of the family . There would never be inflation, everything would cost the same when u die like the day you were born, your salary was the same till u were alive, very little variety in the name of food. Everyone gets the same ration depending on the number of people living in the house every month.  You couldn't pick or change your profession . You could not travel much because of lack of connectivity between places as there was no need to, each being self sufficient in everything.What would you do then? what would you look forward to?

All this competition and greed feeds on our need to be better than the others, to be envy of neighbours.  Do you recollect the ONIDA’s Ad –“neighbours envy owners pride”, the devil saying it? Sure describes one's  personal anthem these days. Technology has increased luxury and comfort many folds in the past years ( Although definitions of luxury and comfort may not necessarily mean the same in everyone's life) travelling has also been an important factor in bringing changes.

There was , once upon a time a world you never knew of other than yours, to compare. You’d never need a Microwave or An LCD TV because you wouldn't know what it was and what to do with it , if you had one. You never miss what you never had. But today it is a necessity rather than a luxury. It tops the chart of the must haves. Little do you know , in few years, something new will come to the market . Making yours look cheap and outdated. And another list of must haves starts taking shape on your mind , and your list begins to grow longer  as your purse grows smaller.

Will this competition ever end ? I Think Not..It gives way to stronger ones , Manifests in different ways. Now that you have reached the end of your expectation( due to age rather than satisfaction), its time to transfer your expectations to your children, making them a progeny of sorts who will succeed where you never did or could... 

QUOTE: A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable , but more useful than a life spent doing nothing,

The Inquisitive Indian

Fear..of the unknown is always there, lurking beneath the facade of courage.. we all fear "The Future". Be it the immediate future or the one far ahead. We fear it because, we cannot know it, therefore cannot control it.

As we are turning modern , our fears are becoming more prevalent. More and more are turning religious, some looking for answers or peace in their lives, some perhaps seeking refuge. People have started getting tarot readings, numerology is gaining importance, astrology , palmistry have become the norms of the society. 
I see more people in the places of worship than i used to before.
I would say its a good sign that people have started believing in their creator. But the pessimistic side of me feels that people are trying to hang on to their belief because they are losing faith in themselves. 

Contrary to the impression , I am not an atheist or even agnostic in my beliefs. I am firm believer in the supreme being. I believe that there are things beyond my understanding. Sometimes, no matter how I long to achieve something, or get impatient waiting for something to happen in my life. I realise it will not happen, until the time is right. Having said that, I love reading my astrological predictions for the day, month or year. In my defense, patience is not one of my virtues, neither is meek acceptance of  my future. Lets call it thirst for... knowledge.

My trips to astrologer were becoming more frequent to quench my thirst. Of course, provided my astrologer says what I want to hear. Or I feel I just wasted the moolah on a novice. Invariably I am advised to offer some prayer to the deity. Sometimes, they would come up with suggestions of fasting, which was certainly not something I could abide by. Whenever I am told to fast, I start feeling faint like I fasted for days  even before the day has begun. In spite of stuffing myself the day before in anticipation of the fast. I dream of all those dishes that are forbidden to eat. I start counting minutes until I can break the fast, which of course seems like eons. That's when I realized fasting is not my cup of tea..Oops!I think tea was forbidden too ! Yikes !

During one of the astrology readings I was recommended to wear a ring. I thought to myself "It's about time !", I had always secretly wished they would tell me to wear some stone 
to ward of the negative energies (did I mention i love jewelry? ). With an air of mild curiosity I inquired the details of the ring. I hoped for a nice gold one embedded with stone, preferably diamond, a quick design of the ring flashed in my mind . Imagine the shock and misery felt when I was told to wear an iron one. Huh? iron? For a moment there I thought my hearing was impaired, HOPING my hearing was impaired. I think my dismay was apparent on my face, since he hastened to assure me it was an inexpensive one which one can find street vendors selling. He went on to say that I may have to wear it for the rest of my life. Little did he know I had no intention of buying anything so tacky, let alone wear it for the rest of my life! cheap street jewelerry!! Hmmf !! Here I was dreaming of Tiffanys! 

That did it ! I decided  to stop my quest for an astrologer with most accurate predictions about my future..whatever happens will be my destiny ! I will accept it . I don't need anyone to tell me their theories , most of which rarely comes true anyway. I was feeling at peace with myself. I felt happy that I had faith in my own abilities and in my GOD. It gave me a self confidence i hadn't felt in a while. 



So now its no more astrology..at least as soon as someone gives me the very LAST reading about my new job and marriage...then I am done!

Sand Castles..

 She was busy building her sand castle, a fierce look of concentration furrowing her brows, her small pink tongue caught between the teeth. She suddenly turned her head to see the orange sun drowning in the sea, the sky was slowly turning orange. How pretty it looked! just like a picture she saw in her story book.. She got back to putting finishing touches on her castle. Sunaina was happy. It was a pretty castle, befitting a princess. Din't her mom always call Sunaina her princess! Mommy.. always had good stories to tell her. Fairy tales she called them, although some of them dint have fairies in the story. When she commented on it mom smiled and hugged her. Mommy loved to smile. She had a very pretty smile, it always made Sunaina  want to smile too. She loved hugging mommy too, and snuggling beside her when she was sleeping. Mommy would kiss her and go back to sleep.Some days when she came from school, mommy made some nice treats- cakes or cookies. Her mommy's cooking always tasted best, when Sunaina had said that, mommy said she cooked with all the love in her heart, hence it tasted good.

  Today had been a nice day. Morning she and daddy went to the beach to collect shells of different colours and shapes, some of those shells she had used to decorate her castle. This castle was special, she was building it for a queen. Sunaina remembered playing queen and princess with her mommy some months back.. they had so much fun and laughed so much, her tummy started aching. Sunaina felt like crying, she missed her mommy. Her daddy was the best daddy but she wanted mommy now. She wished her mommy would come to her now. But daddy had told her that her mommy was needed in heaven so God had taken her. She was very angry with God for taking her mommy but , daddy said that mommy would always be with her in her heart. She touched her heart shaped locket and opened it, she saw her mommy's smiling face there and she felt better.

She was building this castle for her mommy, near the beach, daddy had said that when waves come and take it , it will go to heaven and mommy can live in it. She waited for the waves to come take the castle to heaven. Daddy had gone to get her an orange ice candy , her favourite. Suddenly, she wanted to go to heaven too, she wanted to see her mommy and live with her in the castle like a princess.. she walked closer to the water, gaining speed with every step. She felt the water calling her, she was too engrossed to hear her father calling out to her ...to STOP...

QUE SERA SERA

 When I was 10, people asked me what I want to be.. I said teacher and pilot.. I was asked how I would manage that, I said I would be teacher during the day and pilot by night or was it the other way round! When I turned 13 it was aeronautical engineering, though I knew not what it was, except that I would build planes and rockets. Sounded fascinating. From 15 to 17 I kept alternating between engineering and medicine. My parents thankfully never pressurised me into doing anything they wanted me to do. I was supposed to choose my own field. But how much does one know about any field at 17 without having many options or exposure.

At 17 you cannot drink, drive, vote, or marry, then how do they expect us to choose professions we are to live with for the rest of our lives. If you are intelligent you should get into medicine or engineering. Why is that the norm? aren’t there other professions? One should also have the aptitude for the chosen field. Being intelligent or even genius is not the only prerequisite. Some have the talent for dance, music, painting, and sports. Why should that be curbed?  Arts and crafts are also important part of our lives. Millions of researches are done every year by millions of  researchers. Out of which a handful are chosen... and just one or two may end up winning the Nobel Prize! The same as literature! That doesn't stop people from writing or researching.

Every country encourages all fields, we also need to not only acknowledge but embrace fields beside the usual.

So my question is…………… what will you be when you grow up? The answer I am looking for is an individual with his/ her own identity and integrity.

when i was just a little girl i asked my mother what will i be?

will i be pretty? will i be rich? here's what she said to me.. que sera sera .. whatever will be will be the future's not ours to see...que sera sera...