A Flawed Reality

  As a woman and a single one at that I realize how important looks are. Especially if you are going out on dates. Interestingly, I used to just dress up  with minimal effort and turn up. Then I realized men expect more, winter doesn't make it any easier, spend more time on matching my scarves or sweaters to my tops, agonize over earrings, shoes, purse or lipstick shade. Most importantly try to keep all this under 30 mins unsuccessfully. It feels good to look pretty and dress well, get compliments, does make one feel confident. But the more I get into all this the more futile it feels. Its all for naught, in the end its about compatibility with personalities and goals. Men are lucky, they just show up in jeans and shirt or T shirt. They don't have clothes strewn over their bed when they return from their dates. Some of the women I know who are into the clothes and make up spend hours in front of the mirror doing the artful makeup and choosing the right clothes for the occasion. Women who have made beauty a full time job. I know its not easy, I have total respect for them. With clothes, jewelry, shoes , fitness and planning your diet and watching your calories, getting your nails done, hair, waxing and list goes on. I sometimes wonder where they have the time. When all I have energy left after the day is to cook, eat and sleep and maybe read. 
  But I also realize I have other plethora of things I am interested in that takes my time, aside from my full time job and keeping my house, financial responsibilities, hobbies. I try to dedicate my time for cooking, reading, sketching everyday. 24 hours is not enough to do everything. Somethings end up suffering, either my cleaning schedule or my routine fitness regime. I do realize how much time  we women spend on looking good, which is not only temporary but superficial. Men don't need compliments from women all the time to boost their morale, nor do they seek reassurances from the opposite sex. When I talk to men I meet, I am always fascinated with how much traveling they have done, tried variety of sports or the knowledge of finance or history, whatever it may be. They have so much time because they don't spend theirs on superficial stuff, they are busy planning their careers, financial growth, time they spend on learning something new, something more lasting. 
 I always thought that I needed my time and my thoughts for things that are more important than looking pretty. Then I thought of changing my priorities under peer pressure. Yes, you feel it even in your mid thirties. How many times have I been lectured on trying to make the attempt to look pretty, so "I can snatch a husband "! Sometimes I feel we haven't come out of 18th century. No matter how independent a woman is or whatever she achieves in life, being an arm trophy or eye candy makes her a more desirable candidate. I have decided to stick to being who I am and go out with a smile and some panache. I will make the effort when the occasion requires, but otherwise I need my wits about me to apply myself for more important life decisions. Something that will make a difference and prove beneficial in the long run, something more lasting and meaningful. And if I can't find a date to like my personality as it is, or chooses to judge me on my style or lack of thereof.  Maybe he is just not the right person for me. I would rather wait for someone who makes me want to be a better person, but loves me as I am. 
           NO BEAUTY SHINES BETTER THAN THAT OF A GOOD HEART.

The Gratified Voice

     Its winter, well, almost, Diwali is over and thanksgiving is going to be upon us. This Saturday morning, I  sit down with my coffee to paint watercolor, self teaching, weekends are my time for creative outlet, also some self reflection. Work is usually physically and mentally challenging but dealing with complex cases also leaves you emotionally exhausted. Dealing with death sometimes its difficult but in some cases its probably a welcome end for the patients. These things do affect us as we spend an hour with patient everyday, learn their quirks , their attitudes, to gauge people and what works for them, if they are sincere or faking. Work comes with many challenges like dealing with different personalities on daily basis, which, of course, we all do at work. Now, add severely sick and debilitated patients, who are in constantly pain or can't breathe, to the mix. More often than not, it makes me think of how I would be if I was in their place. With all the challenges, biggest one is trying to understand the patient, language does seem to be a barrier when the patient is Vietnamese, Korean, Cambodian or Mexican, etc..

   Lip reading, is an art form that I haven't mastered. I never realized how important voice is, I am not talking about the deep baritone that some of us have a penchant for, but just the sound and how often we take  it for granted. Some of patients can't talk permanently, because they have had their larynx removed (usually former smokers), or ones who can't temporarily phonate due to tracheotomy. We struggle to understand them, but then I realize how frustrating it is for them to make their basic needs known or talk to the family. Phone is out of question, unless you are texting. We then resort to writing, but that makes its tougher in patients who can't write due to poor grip  weakness, pointing is our next option provided you and they both know how to spell the word. Finally it is phrases or pictures. It's tough to carry on a conversation with this population. So it's wonderful when they start talking, I guess the excitement is almost, if not quite as toddler who has spoken his/her first word.  As much as I am getting better with lip reading. It's still challenging when some of them barely move it or over exaggerate.

  When I was doing my short stint with Carnatic vocals, I got easily frustrated with my inability to take certain pitch, then reminding myself that I don't practice like I should be. But then I think of people who can't talk and wonder how they would feel day after day not being able to voice their needs, emotions, let alone their opinions. Aren't we blessed! But we take it for granted and complain about things we don't have. I guess it is human nature, to be dissatisfied, to compare, to envy , rather than accept. Maybe those negatives do make us do better for ourselves. I wonder if our expectation from ourselves and those around us is escalating. We seem to have we lost the ability to just enjoy our gifts, our present and be thankful for all that we have and all that we are. I wish an alarm would ring loud and notify me whenever I forget to be thankful. So let's for once, not compare, not expect, not worry, just smile and offer thanks.

Loved and lost!

  I felt like I din’t believe in happy ever afters and true love or soulmates..Then one day he came to my work place. His eyes were red, tears flowing down his face, as he was thanking everyone for all they did for his wife.  He was recollecting how determined she was during our sessions to try. She is probably taking her last breath as I write this. She was a fighter! Even with odds stacked against her, she still continued to be compliant. Even when I was discussing the plans to discharge her home, I knew it was going to be a struggle for them both, if they do make it home. Yesterday, she suddenly seemed to be doing worse and was sent out to hospital while being bagged. This is not the first patient and won’t be the last I lose. I would have worked with them just few hours or days ago then  suddenly, they are gone. Each time it gives me a pause. Some memories remain. It’s impossible to not feel anything or to let it not get to you. Then again the day I stop caring I shouldn’t be in healthcare. Empathy is necessary. 

So why was this a special case ? It wasn’t, but I went back to my office, I was upset. Fortunately everyone had left for the day, it was just me. I cried for him. She will be in a better place, I believe , not hurting anymore, but he will have trouble letting go. They have better married for a long time and been through a lot with each other. He really wanted her home with him. I will always remember them as silent couples content to sit with each other reading their respective books. She loved fiction, like I did and, he was non fiction fan. I enjoyed our talks. I have watched him applying bandage on her legs on her scarred legs, and he did that so lovingly and with so much care, it always made me smile wistfully!  

  It broke my heart to see him so lost today. He had come to take photos of her back , those were the only ones left here in her room, that’s all the memories he had. He couldn’t see her go, so did not want to stay at the hospital. He makes me believe that love does exist. It may not find everyone but, it’s gratifying to know, it does! 

The Storm

I peeked out of the window,

looking for the storm. 

All I heard was the eerie silence.

It’s cool outside but,

No sign of the wind.

Sun hiding behind the hills. 

Then why did I think the storm was out? Was I wrong? 

I sat back down to read my book.

As I turned the page, I heard a rumble far away. 

I smiled knowing the storm was brewing... 

There was no mistaking the dark clouds heading my way. 

But, I was ready for the storm. 

   

The dilemma !

Choices we make, some days I wonder!
Was it the right one, do I dare ponder?
Decisions! decisions! There is  always a worry,
Whether it is work or life in a flurry. 

Choices we make, too many to remember.
A sign of trouble, makes  you surrender.
A regret in the past, left  without a thought.
blows back into the mind on a high knot. 

Choices we make, will always be ours,
the sweet mistakes of the reminiscent past.
Unfolding future that holds the key to our life,
But,Present is the time to let happiness run rife.

Happy Women's day !

  Today is women's day, celebrated internationally. There are many articles written on women on this day,  applauding the strong bold independent women. Sharing the suffering of the women whose plight is worse than death. We wish each other women's day, mostly it was my female friends who wished me. Some weren't even aware of such a day. Some don't understand the significance of the day. Its not just celebrating womanhood or recognizing the achievements of a few. It's about understanding that we still have a long way to go. Yes, we can not only vote but, stand for elections. But we still are fighting for many rights. Equality in pay, maternity leaves, giving women the right to choose, be it to have an abortion or quit work after delivery.  In many countries women are not allowed to vote or in some drive, women are still not safe, from birth till death. Women continue to be overlooked for education or promotion. We continue to have cases of female infanticide.

   Women, many a time lack respect, either at home or at work place. I remember working as a new graduate and being the only female, struggling to be taken seriously, to be acknowledged. It is 21 st century but prejudices don't change. It is still a male dominated society. You are judged by your clothes or if you drink socially. You are judged because choose to be single or to be a married woman with no kids. Even though women constitute 49.6% of the world's population, we are still behind. Women empowerment begins at home. How many of men empower the wives and daughters? How many men still make decisions on the wife's behalf , instead of being a guide and letting them decide for themselves and maybe even supporting them unconditionally? How many men help their wives at home with chores? How many men let their wives have a say in their own financial planning? Marriage is a 50/50 partnership, or is it ? How many women will spend their lives being the best mother, wife and daughter-in-law or daughter, sister and, forget to live for themselves? Even if its for a few moments.. Sometimes, women are women's worst enemy and hinder the progress of their own gender with their orthodox prejudiced thoughts.

  Women empowerment doesn't start with just the poor, meek and the underprivileged, it starts in a regular household. It starts where home makers and working mothers lack the support from their own family. Where their dreams and aspirations are often buried under the burden of raising the family or being a superhero. Where they lose themselves amidst the society's expectation and, the dictates of how they should live, dress or act. To an outsider looking in, a woman may seem perfectly satisfied with her work and family, only she knows the abyss she falls into and climbs out of , everyday. Hoping that maybe someday someone will hold her hand and, keep her from falling into the darkness. Spends her life waiting, until she no longer has to...  ??

Ganesh Chaturti - Bombay dairies !

 This evening leaving work on my way home, I called India, to wish everyone there. It is Ganesh Chaturti- Birth of Lord Ganesh, Vignaharta ( One who takes your troubles away). Mom was telling me all about her preparations for the day. As I ended the call walking towards my apartment, I was reminiscing old memories. I vividly remember my childhood days in Bombay/Mumbai ( still think of it as Bombay) . In Maharshtra state this festival is celebrated with a lot of fanfare. Buildings usually have a common idol. My apartment complex also had one such common idol, when I was growing up. The boys in the apartment usually would go door to door collecting money. No one refused to pay. Whatever they could afford to give. The day before you could see them all on the common ground setting a "pandal" which is a temporary tent like structure with decorations and, a "mantap" a place for the Lord Ganesha's idol . All religions helped. I remember some muslim and christian boys helping with decoration and stuff. Religion was not a barrier, people came together to take part in the festivities. The morning of the first day there would be a small group of boys getting ready to bring the idol. Idols were beautiful, made by local sculptors from clay. The idol was to be set up in the tent, amidst all the offerings and decorations. First Aarti of the day or the worshiping would be around noon. I would attend that prior to the one at my place. Mom would make prasaad or offering made with beaten rice , coconut and jaggery and 5 different variety of fruits. Some of my neighbors, I remember, would keep sugar cane as decorations. Modak, of course, Lord Ganesh's  favorite, is a triangular shaped dessert that can be made in different ways. Lord Ganesha is a foodie and we grew up hearing stories of how much food he liked to eat as a child.


   Festivals always are exciting. One starts the day with ablutions and getting dressed in good and maybe new clothes. Lunch would be served on banana leaf with special vegetarian delicacy that was prepared at home. On festivals vegetarian food was always on the menu. Banana leaf somehow enhanced the taste of the food. With a full stomach it was time for siesta, later at sundown evening prayers would be offered. Everyone would gather around the tent and diyas or lamps were lit and, prayers were offered, with bells chiming. Everyone sung even though lyrics weren't exactly a strong suit of most and murphy's law was people closest to the mike were usually off key, but there was certain energy in the prayer songs that compensated for all of it. There would be all kinds of activities and competitions that brought people together. I would go with either family or friends to see 9 such idols that evening. Everything religious is always in odd numbers 3,5,7, 9,11. It is considered auspicious. Each idol had different forms was different with decorations (Ganesha or Ganapati is the most versatile of all  Gods, depicted in different ways). Each group would have its own theme and size of the idol usually depended on the budget. Some would also bring idol home for a day and a half to 3 days. I would also go to their place on invitation. So, a very busy day of socializing for people, devout or not. It went on for 3-5 days and then visarjan , which means submerging of the idol in a water body, bidding farewell with a hope that next year would be just as good. Chanting " Ganapati Bappa morya, pudcha varshi lavkar ya" ( Ganapati , next year come soon. Roughly translated ). Larger idols were kept on till 11 days for worshiping.

 It was so much more than just celebrating the festival, it was an occasion to participate as a community. When there was no social media for people to complain about every little thing and freedom of speech and expression widely abused. Not everything was about the noise and being politically correct. It was about unity in diversity, about setting all your differences aside to come together to celebrate. I am sure that was the goal when sarvajanik or public celebration of Ganesh chaturti was organized by Chatrapati Shivaji Maharaj which lost its public status during British rule and was revived by freedom fighter Lokmanya Tilak. Apparently it dates back to Dynasties, ruling from 271 BC to 1190 AD . We have such rich heritage and culture and dating back centuries. I am proud to be a part of such ancient and rich culture. l hope everyone is having fun with all the festivities. HAPPY GANESH CHATURTI  to all !

P.S.: sketch was drawn few months ago :)