The Rendezvous

       She walked cautiously with her two inch heel, mentally berating herself for choosing heels over  flats. She was used to wearing running shoes at work. Last thing she needed today, was to fall  flat on her face. That would make for a lovely first impression! She dressed with care today, for him. It was her first date with him. They had been chatting for a while now but, meeting in person was different.

               She imagined this date numerous times and  it ended differently each time. To say she was excited was an understatement, butterflies in her belly made her nauseous. Maybe it was just as well, she wasn't hungry. One last look in the mirror satisfied her. She had on black skirt  and flame colored  top today concession to her usual casual dressing. Gold hoops adorned her ears , catching light when she flicked her long back hair. A soft red cashmere sweater, served well to keep the chill away. She was not a classic beauty, she had a cute face that looked more youthful when she smiled, which, she often did when his name popped up. She remembered texting him for the first time, he was busy watching game of thrones and texted back saying he would call her another day. That made her laugh.  He hadn't even attempted  to pretend to be busy with some meeting or work. She liked that he wasn't pretentious. He was different from the usual men she dated. She felt so upbeat since she started talking to him. It was not a romance that made her giddy, it was more deep and steady. She blossomed under his attention, spring in her step. She looked forward to his texts every morning  and before bed every night, even stupid ones. Just being silly and being herself. Life was getting  far too serious anyway. He always  very considerate and relaxed, they wouldn't talk too often. She did not feel the need to be constantly in touch throughout the day. Although, he scarcely left her thoughts. Even a text sufficed , they both were working people with social life and commitments, she understood that. Still, there were times she hoped he would call her more often. She never understood why she never called him. It would probably change once they got to know to know each other better and got more comfortable.

    They lived in different cities making it almost impossible to co-ordinate meeting. Then fate intervened and brought him to her city for a conference. Their rendezvous was at a good  restaurant he had chosen and reserved for 7.30 pm. He was to  pick her up at her apartment at 7 O'clock. Every second of waiting that passed was excruciating. It couldn't be 7 soon enough. She sat leafing through the book, unable to concentrate enough for the words to make sense. There was a knock at the door.. 6.40 ? He was early ! She walked to the door and opened it with a smile. There stood a man with a bouquet of lilacs and lilies, a delivery from the nearby florist she recognized. She wordlessly took the flowers then belatedly remembered to mouth a puzzled thank you. She took the flowers and arranged it in a vase, a note fluttered with her name. It was his handwriting, she knew it instinctively although she had never really seen his. She picked the note, this was odd. Why did he not get the flowers himself ? why the note? Her heart was hammering away, she sat on the chair, took a deep breath and opened it and read. She sat staring until her vision blurred and the tears rolled down her cheek and spilled onto the note, smearing the ink. Just then the clock chimed. She glanced at it, 7 O'clock the clock said, mocking her.

Thanksgiving - Food For Thought !

    Today,  when I was feeling a little low, I started watching some TED talks. It wasn't to cheer me up, motivate or inspire me. It was just something to watch because I was bored. Bored, is an emotion I feel more frequently than any others. I cannot handle mundane and monotonous life. Hence, my need to constantly seek variety. 

     I wanted to try and get myself into a better mood and no one can do it besides myself . I like to think of myself as the blend of logic, emotions and practicality (not a perfect blend ) Alas! , perfection doesn't exist . I don't wear my heart on my sleeve, but I don't shut my emotions either. I decided that I am going to celebrate thanksgiving earlier this year. In fact, why should thanksgiving be the only time we are thankful for anything. I am going to break the tradition and do it today. Counting my blessings will probably help lift my spirits up:)

     When we think about things we are grateful for. There are very generic things we think of, family , good health , money , etc.. This is  My list.. Now is the time to stop reading before you nod off . :P    When I woke up this morning the first few minutes awakened most of my senses that I am thankful for and take so much for granted. I open my eyes, the blinds are open and see the sun shining on the roof of the building , the blue skies and the green tress, good morning! I am thankful for my sight. I hear the birds chirping, I am thankful for my sense of hearing ( to all the lovely music my life would have been empty without ).  I feel the warmth my comforter has to offer, shielding me from the chill. I can feel heat and cold. For those who think its not a big deal ask people who have had their brain or spinal cord affected and cannot feel it. I can smile knowing it's Saturday and I can sleep longer . I dig into the covers moving my arms and legs into a more comfortable position. I am thankful for my sense of touch and movement in my body, without pain. I smell my air freshener - ocean breeze(sense of smell). I am thankful for my mind, that is alert and lets me know the day , date  and time of the day without having to look at my cellphone. I think about a hot cup of coffee . I thank my taste buds that can differentiate between Starbucks coffee from the instant coffee made in a hurry. Those first few mins sum up my whole system turning on to let me know I am good, healthy and mobile.

     I am grateful to my family for being supportive and catering to my needs, constantly thinking of my well being. I almost always take them for granted. Because, I know they will always love me  for me and be there for me, no matter what I do. My friends, who over the years since elementary school, have been by my side , some more in spirit than in body. Some have seen me through rough times , wished me well , celebrated my success or lent me a shoulder to cry or a sounding board to vent,  or even  to throw around ideas.    I am thankful for my education for making me not just literate but opening up the whole world to me , expanding my horizons . The ability to read, write and speak , the gift of language , to help understand people and their thoughts or to pen down my own. I am grateful for a having a job , which doesn't just put a roof over my head , food in my fridge , clothes in my closet but also pays for my hobbies. It also helps me appreciate everything I have, looking through  the eyes of my patients. Even on days when going gets tough at job, my colleagues and I love to remind each other that we are lucky to have ONE.

    I am thankful for being born in a  democratic and secular country and raised in a city where I learnt to accept people speaking different languages and following different religions as not any different from me. For giving me the opportunity to study and pursue my destiny, to shape my identity and making me who I am today. I am glad to not be raised in some war torn zone ,having to run away and seek refuge. Or countries where women don't have equal rights as men or are treated like slaves. I am grateful to be in my second home , my adopted country ,which has helped me grow personally and professionally and become a global citizen, grateful for all those who welcomed me and accepted me into their lives here, without prejudice .

 The Bryan Adams's  song  " Here I am , this is me, there is no where else on earth I would rather be " It's not about the city or country , for those in India who were frowning at that . It's about my place in  the life , Every time I forget,  I need to remind myself of the struggle and sacrifices made to get to here.  I am most of all grateful for each day that I get to start over again with a clean slate , erase or learn from my mistakes , seek missed opportunities , make right choices , work harder , love and laugh more , give back to society ,  be kind and generous , make a difference in someone's life. To cherish every blessing that I have - Me ! 

   TO ALL THOSE IN MY LIFE WHO INFLUENCE ME, DIRECTLY OR INDIRECTLY  - THANK YOU !!

My Work days !

  The joy when my patient takes the fist step after weeks of relentless training makes me so proud like watching a baby walk. There are days when I just want to cry because I want to help but , can't.

Some days the patients crack me up with their goofy jokes or uninhibited statements. Frustrating days when I know whats best for them but, they stubbornly refuse to acknowledge. There are days when I can't stop thinking about what happened at work, other days I prefer to forget.I try to smile and laugh or joke around even when I don't feel it because, I have realized that positive energy is just as contagious as negative ones. Smile can make someone forget their pain. Kindness and empathy can go a long way in making the day so much better and so much more important than getting them to follow through my plans for the the day. It feels like being on cloud nine when a patient recognizes my effort to make them better. Some experiences makes me appreciate every moment of my life. Some people's pain makes mine feel inconsequential. Sometimes its about making a tough decision of when enough is enough. Other times I just keep hoping things would turn around. Always trying to push them to be more functionally independent and safe so I can turn them loose. Then there is that time when I realize they left, when I least expected!

Poignant Reverie ..

I hear the whisper of breeze fluttering through the leaves and I think of him.
I see the first snow flake gently floating in mid air , I think of him.
I hear the laughter of a baby, makes me smile and , I think of him.
When I wake up , the ray of light turns my thoughts to him.
On a cold night, I think of him
On a cool summer evening ,I think of him
I hear music and feel at peace , thinking of him .
The whiff of warm cookies in the oven makes me think of him.
I see the mountains and rivers and, I think of him .
I pass through the farms and streams and , I think of him.
The blue , gray or the starry skies make me think of him.
I am with friends but , I think of him .
I am alone , reading and , my mind drifts towards him.
Every thought of him brings a smile to my face ,
Every waking moment I miss him. 
Only sleep makes me forget him until , I dream of him.

Such is life.

  Adi was late for work again. Getting up for work these days seemed to be an everyday ordeal . He had to take the 8:35 Churchgate fast train,  instead of the 7:59 one that he usually took. This seemed to be happening far too often then he could count . Life in Bombay ( or Mumbai as outsider would call it , although it is still Bombay for Adi ) is a fast one , where dreams come true. It always made him smirk when he heard that line. May be because he lived in this awesome city all his life , but his dreams were still dreams , with no close to anywhere near coming true.

  He got dressed and packed his lunch in the backpack. Lately, he tried not to bring his work laptop home , unless it was absolutely necessary . It  was too much hassle with the crowded trains. So much had changed in last three decades. Trains were more packed then they could be , if , it was in fact physically possible. Staying late at work made much more sense , at least he could come home in peace and enjoy the after rush hour commute home. Adi managed to get the later train . Standing by the door and watching  city pass by, somehow made him forget all worries that plagued him or the never ending stress of deadlines , made the journey to the office much more bearable . He pitied people who actually drove to the office during rush hour , trying to beat the traffic.

 Today waking up felt weird , unexplainable , maybe it was the dream he had . He was back in college . Mithibai college , the name always made him smile , although it was tacky name , but when said in a classy town accent , undeniably made it sound glamorous. One could always throw in the name  into a conversation to impress the opposite gender. Good old days , when bunking class or impressing girls were probably the best part of college life. More students were to be found in the college canteen or in pool parlors during college hours than the classrooms . Except the nerdy ones , you could always count on them to sign your name for attendance . Until one lecturer decides to count the number of signatures and tally with the head count. That definitely did not stop anyone from  trying it again. Until the day your name showed up on "the black list" for low attendance and then you were forced to attend so you could take your exams . Practical session were the only ones that had big turn out and of course  the dreaded  examinations. You lived in the moment without worrying about the world. Chatting with friends about inconsequential things and dreams , plans to make it big . Funny how life works , let alone change the world, he barely had control on his own course of life.

  After graduation Adi took his first job in an NGO with a degree , bursting with high aspirations and ideas that never took flight. Neither did the peanuts that passed off as his pay. Eventually the inflation and life style forced Adi to join an MNC . The change was big , getting into a corporate world , he left like a lamb ready to be slaughtered . He missed his first job , though it paid nothing , he was content , work satisfaction was of the essence , he team was an enthusiastic one . they would often go out for lunch or  catch up after work. Now he barely saw his co-workers, unless it was at a corporate event. He felt like he was stuck , life did not make sense anymore , there was so much he wanted to do . But life was passing him by . He was 32 now , as his mom loved to remind him.  " Most of his friends were married and settled and having babies and he was drifting through life. " Tough , he liked his single status. His mom kept pushing photographs of suitable prospects in his face at the first opportunity with basic details of age , height , and education and job details. Interestingly they sometimes wouldn't even say the name. How on earth can you pick a girl with enough information for her ID card? He knew many of his friends had had arranged marriages and by the looks of it , worked for them.  Movie scene played in his head , a girl wearing sari walking towards him with a cup of tea , its probably more likely she might be wearing jeans holding a glass of wine instead , in this day and age. Imagining his mom's shocked expression made him laugh. The man standing next to him , gave him a weird look . Adi smiled back at him . The thought of having a partner definitely was appealing but , he wanted to chose his own when he was ready to settle down. Time enough for it. Right now he was contemplating either changing jobs with a different profile or applying to the management schools abroad, for masters . Maybe that will give him goal to work towards. Indecision was the worst , he did not know what he wanted !Suddenly life had lost its purpose.

  Maybe he needed a vacation , yes ! that was it ! that would solve his problems , maybe he was just getting burnt out . He had been saving for a trip , money wasn't the issue . He started thinking of places he could go to , mentally sorting them . Adi felt like being a cabin in the woods with mountains in the backdrop and sound of a gushing river flowing near , Hell even a steady stream will do . Someplace so quiet that he could here the birds call , and watch the stars in the night sky . He could definitely put to use his binoculars , Nikon D160 he gifted himself last birthday , which was still unpacked . All he needed was to do now was research  some more on Kashmir,  tickets and lodging. It was still spring , best time to go and tour the green valleys between the snow-clad peaks .  Just then the recorded voice brought him back to reality , his station had arrived . He got off the train and walked through " the town " ,as the place was lovingly called , with spring in each step . Now the love for the Victorian architecture that surrounded him came back. How he enjoyed looking at the building which were over a century old ! They set the place apart from rest of Bombay. Most of the offices were re-modeled to a more contemporary style from within, keeping the outer structure intact,  enhancing the rustic charm.

   Adi reached the office , smiled at the doorman and ran up the stairs instead of taking the elevator. Turning his laptop on and he logged in to check his emails . He made quick note on a post it to check on Kashmir during lunch . Meeting was due in 10 minutes . Adi opened the email from his boss marked urgent. He kept staring at the monitor , it said that the boss had to leave for US for an upcoming project groundwork and would be leaving Adi to handle the details before the current project would go live . He would be gone for 6 months , which now meant more late nights and weekends at work . Adi, took a deep breath and walked to the conference room with laptop in his hand , heavy heart and feet, forgetting all about the note.  It gently flutters and falls to the ground , shoes stepping on it . Until finally, a janitor picks it up and throws it in the trash.

Empty hands

                        

My eyes scan every inch of the shore. 

My trembling hands groping the sand , trying hard to find it. The frantic search before the daylight turns into night sky.

I almost want to give up, but I am not a quitter . 

Finally,  my hand feels something in the mound of sand. I hungrily grab it . It's a pretty silver locket , a filigree . I fall in love with it on sight, momentarily  forgetting what I was looking for . Staring at the locket with a smile , the need to take it is very strong .  I feel guilty , it  doesn't belong to me . Setting it aside, I continue my half hearted search.

Dusk leaves me as the darkness falls . The wave splashes over me and I run away. I , then remember the locket and turn in the direction . I can see it glimmer in the moonlight, taunting me . The waves washing it away, into the ocean .

Tears roll down my cheeks , I don't know what I am crying for or why I curse the fate -'cos I lost something that was never mine?
 A serendipity that left me with a bitter sweet memory of finding something I wasn't looking for and losing it before I had a chance . 

Thus , ending my search . 

Intrepid musings

You warm me on a rainy day, 

Make me smile in a sunny way .

Every morning seems worth it with you,

I come home without much ado .

Strong , dark and sweet ,

You cheer me up when I am beat.

Your strength keeps me going ,

I get through my day without knowing .

Oh My Hot Steamy Brew ! 

I love you ! 

        S. 

I Will Always Be Yours

That beautiful summers day ,

She was a vision in white , 

He stood afar with love in his eyes .

Everyday was filled with laughter  , 

And the nights filled with love   , 

In his arms her world was complete .

He donned his uniform with a man's pride ,

Left for duty with his head held high ,

Her heart felt heavy to see him leave .

Laying her hand on the growing mound ,

Knowing she will never hear his familiar sound ,

She promised herself with brimming eyes.

Ring weighing down the finger , made her smile , 

She will see him again in her baby's eyes ,

He will always be there , holding her hand . 

He was her man and the love of her life ! 

Life , A road trip !

Don't lament on the days gone by , 
Or shed a tear on regrets ,
'Cos everyday is a journey
leading you to your destiny . 

Some days it's sunny blue skies  ,
Some days there will be storms ,
Keep your eyes on the road ,
and Smile on your face, 
That's all you need for the journey ahead .

There is no looking back ,
the memories will remain .
You may pass green rolling hills and windy routes ,
a path through the deserts ,
Each with a beauty of its own .

Music you hear , enchanting or haunting,
Will make you stop and cherish each note .

Starry nights are for you to dream, 
But When its dawn , it's time to Begin .